Current Weight : 132.2 lbs.
+INTAKE+
mixed fruit - 150
tomato soup - 220
Total : 370 calories
What a long fucking day. It started out well enough, at least. I was expecting something around 138, so 132.2 was noice. I never know what to expect from my body. Sometimes it will drop weight like a motherfucker, and other times it will fight me to the bitter end over one pound. Seven years of this shit has done a number on my metabolism, I know. I really need to make it this time, though. I cannot go through all this shit again. Fuck, seven years and I have yet to reach my goal weight. I get so close and so fast, only to be hit by the train of holy shit stress and have to do it all over again. Nothing is going to fuck it up this time. I simply will not allow it. Holidays be damned.
Well I spent the first half of the day doing absolutely nothing. I had my fruit cup for breakfast while my mate had cookies. He eats so fucking much and always the fattiest shit. Not that I give a fuck, but when restricting I find it pretty fucking irritating when he constantly offers me shit like cookies and french fires. I am on a fucking diet, for the love of all that is sacred. I do not want one of your motherfucking cookies. The second half of the day was spent going out to eat and hanging at a funeral for his aunt. They went to two different fast food places less than four hours apart. I hate sounding like a judgmental bitch, but holy shit what the fuck. And of course both times everybody felt the need to lecture me about not eating enough. Such bullshit. I never tell them that hey, maybe a chocolate shake, french fries and two cheeseburgers is not the healthies fucking thing on the planet.
I thought I was going to pass out at that funeral, though. We were there for hours, and I had zero fucking energy. My head just kept falling. The worst part is being cold. Holy shit I hate being cold, but when I restrict I am always cold without a giant hooded sweater and either a space heater or five blankets. Or both. Restriction is something that makes my whole little world revolved around myself. I never have energy to handle the problems of others or even to pay attention sometimes. I just gave my mate the green light to masturbate his heart out to as much porn as he can handle, because I only have enough energy for sex about twice a week, if that. Of course, this may be because I have to do all the work, but whatever. I figure better to have it this way than passing out on top of him and having to tell him I was just tired. Talk about a hit to the ego.
We have to hit the road tomorrow to go see relatives for some holiday family party thing. I look forward to just sleeping the whole way there and not needing to eat anything. Early bed time tonight, anyway. Though I suspect it will be impossible to sleep, as usual. I can never understand how I drain myself of all my energy until I find myself swaying back and forth but then am still so full of anxiety and aggrivation that I toss and turn all night. I always think something has to give eventually, but it never does.
Well whatever. I'm taking a xanax and spinning around the room to Dancing Queen. Fucking love ABBA when I'm restricting. Such a freak.
